Fifty Years of Non-Surrender

Fifty Years of Non-Surrender

Yesterday for some reason I picked from my bookshelves Assignment Subud by Varindra Vittachi. I needed something light to read as I took a rest in the afternoon. Varindra’s books all have that easy reading quality. I read three-quarters of the book and then polished off the rest when I went to bed that night.

But instead of an easy read this book gave me a massive jolt. So much that Varindra wrote described my own feelings perfectly, particularly in regard to ‘testing’. This has always been a difficult subject for me and I have been reading very carefully what Bapak had to say about testing in some of the earlier Pewartas. Naturally I have picked on the things that I already agreed with; namely, that most of us are just too inadequate to test, that Bapak is not a ‘dukun’, he is not a diviner or soothsayer, and he is not to be treated as such.

Indeed I have gone farther, since I have felt that many people in Subud have treated testing as a sort of Ouija board, conveniently to be used if someone wants to give up their job and re-locate to sunny Spain, for example. Furthermore in our Ascot Group when I was rather more active as a Helper, there was one person who constantly came up with ridiculous questions, such as ‘Would it be better for me if I was to get up earlier?’ since he was inclined to lie abed to all hours. Such testing really revolted me.

And then there was the confused testing. At the end of the latihan I was often quite ready and willing to test. But then would come some long-drawn out and confused question. By the time this confused question had been put my inner state had begun to evaporate, and my impatience had gathered speed. Why was such a question even being asked in the first place? If the questioner had simply continued with their latihan, they would have received the answer themselves.

One result of this is that in almost fifty years, to the best of my remembrance, I have never asked the Helpers to test a question with me. Indeed I could never bring myself to ask anybody. I have always felt that they, the Helpers, would get it wrong anyway. There was a famous instance to do with my own family where the Helpers got it so completely wrong as to be laughable. This concerned testing about a University, but I must refrain from telling the whole story.

Being, as Simon Milan has sometime told me, stuck in a time warp, I have always felt that only Bapak himself and Bapak’s close Helpers could test. And indeed they did so, at the drop of a hat so to speak. Icksan never hesitated to test, wherever he was. When he, way back in 1957, took me into the rose-garden and we sat together immediately he began to test. Much later when I was worried about testing I went to Sjafruddin and he tested with me, and I received so strongly that the whole test is obliterated from my memory. All that I could remember was the taste. There was no interpretation – what I received was instantaneous. And of course, Prio would test.

This is where I come back to Varindra’s book. Because, in this book he describes exactly all the feelings of unease that I have felt, and also the intellectual doubts of some of his colleagues. On the other hand it is clear that Icksan, Sjafruddin, Brodjo, Sudarto and Prio would all test, and they had no hesitation in testing the most difficult of questions.

The most striking example of this occurred in relation to the Shivapuri Baba, some 136 years old at his death, who had lived as an ascetic and who was apparently in a continuous state of samadhi. In other words he was revered as a very holy man.

Varindra describes how he wished to test something about the Babaji with Prio, and to his surprise Prio says ‘later’, after the latihan. Then Prio announced to the assembled Groups of men and ladies that Varindra had something to test. Varindra was miffed to say the least, as this was for him a personal matter. Then Prio got a lady to get up and test the question, concerning the state of the now deceased Shivapuri Baba. In order not to misrepresent Varindra I must quote from his book.

Prio in a voice which had unusual authority and a strange formality, said : “Mr Vittachi has a question.”

I looked up at him, What question? Why this sudden formality? Surely not my question about Babaji? Surely not? That was my private question to him. The Group knew nothing about Shivapuri Baba. “He wants to test the state of Shivapuri Baba’s soul,” Prio said. I began to seethe with indignation. Prio asked one of the ladies to stand up and receive the test. Her reactions were very plain. There was great sadness and heaviness. Her breathing even showed signs of asthma – the condition in which the Baba had died.

My anger was now charged with great sorrow. I could not bear it any longer and ran upstairs to my bedroom where I sobbed uncontrollably almost till dawn. Early in the morning Prio, who had obviously not slept the whole night, came to me with sympathy furrowing his face.

“Why were you so upset?” he asked.

“Look, Prio,” I said, “This was my question. What do these people care about Shivapuri Baba? They don’t know him. I wanted to be sure whether my own indications were right or wrong. But you tested this in public with someone else. It is still not proof to me.”

“Maybe I was wrong,” Prio said. “Perhaps it would have been better to test with you. But at that time, because it was your question your mind was involved in it and your testing would have been influenced by it. If you like, let us test now.”

I said, “No, Prio. I am sorry I was mad. I understand now. But can you explain how it is that such a good man’s soul can be in this state?”

Prio received for a long time. Then he gave me one of the most valuable clarifications that I have ever heard:

“Let us take the case of your Buddha,” Prio said. “He gave up his wealth, his wife and child and became an ascetic. He tried very hard to understand the nature of the universe though the effort of his will. At that time – as now in India – there were many people who believed in self-torture and tried by the exercise of their will to reach understanding. The Buddha also, by using his will, decided to fast in order to reach Salvation. He fasted for 49 days till he became only skin and bone. Now the will resides in the human heart, in the human body. At the end of his fast, the Buddha’s body and human heart had become very weak. What do we surrender in our latihan except our will? Nothing else. We only have our will to surrender. When the Buddha became so weak he was able to surrender his will. When he surrendered his now weakened will, he was able to receive. This is what is called enlightenment. He then broke his fast. He realised that self-immolation by an act of will was not the way to Enlightenment. He then preached the Dharma of Moderation – the Middle Path.

But what happened in the case of the Shivapuri Baba? He too became an ascetic. He left the company of his fellow beings and lived and meditated in the jungle. To do this a tremendous strength of will is necessary. Every day the will becomes stronger and stronger. But because Shivapuri Baba was not living in the ordinary world of materialism and confusion, his mind became clearer and clearer. So, many things he said to you sounded sweet and true. But his will was strong. He died before he could surrender his will. He died too young.”

Varindra is such a good storyteller that it is all too easy to miss the significance of the above - because for us in Subud it is highly significant. And I do not mean the ability to test the state of a dead man’s soul, though that is enough to make one’s hair stand on end. No! It is Prio’s comment. What do we surrender in the latihan except our will? Nothing else. We only have our will to surrender.

This statement struck me like a blinding light. This surely is the key to understanding all the mysteries and in particular Christianity. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth. Let me quote Varindra once again: -

When Bapak visited us in Colombo someone asked him about the present state of the soul of a celebrated spiritual teacher, whom some of us had followed for many years. (Gurdjieff perhaps?) Bapak asked me to stand and test this. I closed my eyes, relaxed, and suddenly felt an enormous overpowering weight upon me. I fell like a log. There was no choice or pretence about it. My fall was heavy and graceless.

Bapak said, rather sadly it seemed to me, “Still here, in this world.”

Then Varindra began to have questions. “Did I fake it or was it real?”

Later in Singapore he asked Bapak : “Would I be right in thinking that none of us can test correctly?” Bapak smiled and nodded agreement.

A little further Varindra writes; From then on I felt I was justified in refusing to test individually or as part of a group. This so exactly mirrors my own feelings, even to the degree that he scoffed at people practising testing. In particular he criticised ‘voting’, in the same way that I have done. Moreover I have often felt there were things that were inappropriate to test, and I have said so.

How then can I explain that in one evening, in one reading, my whole attitude to testing has undergone a massive and dramatic change. Perhaps it was because Brodjo averred that he practised testing on small things. No, it was not that, though that had something to do with it. Perhaps it was the part about names. Long, long ago Bapak told me that my name should begin with a certain letter, but I was too proud to ask him. And too afraid. I was afraid that it would simply be too awkward to explain to my friends that I now had another name. So I let it go. Besides which, I argued many people did not like their names, so they were happy to change them. This was not the case with me. And not with Tarzie, as he then was, either. But as he says the fortress had to fall, like Singapore. And so he got his new Subud name, Varindra.

The fortress had to fall. Mine has not fallen. For fifty years I have refused to surrender. Oh not just over a name. I am not alone. Many people pride themselves on going to the latihan twice a week, but twice a week or once a month, who cares? All that matters is the surrender. Oh yes, I am moved, quite considerably for a 76 year old, I am pretty vocal, I am moved about and made to sing, but that is not the point. It does not matter how regular one is in attending – all that matters is the surrender of the will.

I suddenly saw that my attitude to testing, my criticism of my brothers, was all connected to my fear of surrendering. It is just too easy to go through the motions, to turn up at latihan and not surrender. Testing is at the very heart of Subud, and this most often inadequate and flawed testing, still strikes at the very centre of our will.

I am having to quote from Varindra again, or rather one of Bapak’s clarifications as related by Prio: -

“We come to Subud because we are tired of the old house in which we have lived up to that time. The house is crumbling, unsafe, the roof is leaking, the floors are damp, it is badly ventilated and dark. So we want a new house to be built on top of the old house, although neither the foundations nor the walls will stand the weight of the new structure. We want to hold on to both houses at the same time.”

That describes my position precisely.

From now on I have determined, I am going to test everything, every question. Even if I make a lot of movements and have no idea what they mean, I am going to test. It is all to do with surrender. I am afraid of the answers I might get. I am afraid of where they might lead me.

Just recently I needed to get an answer on using the Subud symbol on my book. So I asked Ibu Rahayu, through Siti Muti’ah, for her blessing. That is typical – I could only go to the top. In the meantime I surreptitiously did my own test. Very good, very good result. Hardly surprising, was it? But I also sent an email here and there. I did not trust my Brothers and Sisters in Subud – I did not like the idea that they might test my book, through which several people had come to Subud. In the event I got a charming email from a couple whom I have never even heard of before. So that went all right, but not because I surrendered, but because this couple did.

Even if I can’t surrender, which I can’t, at least I will have the intention, to end fifty years of non-surrender.

Anthony Bright-Paul
31.03.06